Well, so much for this being my final blog post! And so much for Kindness Week - more on that later. I continue to hold out hope that Mitchell & Jackson will decide to post something on how they are feeling being back. I'm not going to force that on them, though. They may write something eventually; maybe they need more time to sift through it all. Maybe they'd just rather talk about our year away from time to time, here at home. More likely they are just busy being kids and living in the moment versus being reflective.
I was home one day in mid-January, not feeling well, both physically and emotionally. I stayed home and read big chunks of our trip blog, feeling a bit sad but also grateful for what we were able to make happen.
Sometimes I miss it so much, the life we had on the road, the adventure of it, the constant contact with our kids, and especially the freedom to let each day evolve as spontaneously or as planned as we chose. We've been back six months now and we've been sucked back into the rush, rush mode of life. There's good and bad in that: it's wonderful to re-connect with friends and family, the boys love being back in organized hockey, work is mostly fine, but of course housework and homework are the same old curses they've always been.
So on that day in mid-January, with the house empty and no-one but me rattling around dwelling on all of this, I did what I usually do to feel better and make sense of my internal state. I sat down to put my feelings on paper. And then I did something I don't usually do - I fired those words off to an actual legitimate publication. Not sure why. I have always enjoyed reading the Facts & Arguments essays in the Globe & Mail and decided this might be the forum to share some observations. They ended up printing my personal essay recently. Part of me regrets it because I felt so many people who read it misunderstood. I guess that's the risk you take when put your thoughts and ideas out there. You can read it here, at least for now until it disappears from their website.
The article simply observed the phenomenon that we are all pretty self-absorbed and don't take much notice of the momentous events in others' lives. Note that I said we which would by definition include me as well. I don't believe that I automatically merit peoples' attention and interest because of the things I do; I was just surprised once again by the general lack of it.
I say once again because I had the same observation after returning from a year of backpacking in my early twenties and then again after we returned from our year in Saudi Arabia over a decade ago. Those were big events in my life that changed me, as did getting married, having kids and all the other stuff that many of us do in life.
And I have come to accept it, so it's okay. It's nice to be able to share your feelings and experiences with others; it's a big part of what makes us human. But I have learned that many people are too caught up in their own lives to really care. I don't talk about our trip much at all. I wait to be asked. Even then, I give a minimal response because I recognize that most people are simply being polite, most people are very busy, and they have equally if not more compelling things they could be sharing with me, if only we all had the time. It truly doesn't bother me all that much but of course no-one's going to believe that now:) I thought it would make an interesting essay because everyone has experienced it at some point and in some manner, yet few people ever talk about it openly.
I was stunned by many of the comments left by readers on the Globe's website. I read a bunch and then stopped because some were so hurtful and bizarrely off the mark. Such venom - amazing that something that was intended to be tongue in cheek provoked such wrath and scorn. Some people thought I had self-esteem issues (pretty amazing analysts those folks, to be able to discern that from 900 words); some said I was ungrateful and whiny and should be abhorred, I think, mainly because I have a cushy public-sector job. I'm a silly yuppie, a shameless self-promoter and let's see, what else? Oh yes, a narcissist and someone with an apparent ego wound. Wow, who are these people? And from what cereal box did they obtain their PhD in psychology?
But there were some kind comments. This was supposed to be Kindness Week after all, even though it sure didn't feel like it after reading the vitriolic spewings of people who like to hide behind their aliases. Some people actually got it. I've received many lovely personal e-mails that somehow found their way to my Inbox, people who felt like what I wrote spoke to them, so much so that it motivated them to respond. I'll leave you with my favourite comment from this kind stranger:
"Flashes from your trip will come back like rays of sunshine throughout the rest of your life."
